my fam dam

so listen to this...

watching the duggars on TLC and they go to the christian film festival and see Fireproof, starring Kirk Cameron (what a cutie... and he has 6 kids- holy crap), and then later get to meet him. I have yet to see the movie but apparently there's a scene at the end of the movie where the couple share a passionate kiss. one of the little duggar boys askes mom if the couple is married... and she says yes. so when they meet Kirk they ask him about that scene, and he says that in order to honor the marriage in the film and also his own marriage they had his wife come to the set and dress as the actress to share the kiss with her hubby.

i just thought that was the sweetest thing.

speaking of sweet things, tomorrow is wednesday and that means joshua is off! yay!

i'd also like to report that he hasn't smoked in almost three weeks. i am so relieved and so proud of him. i've also noticed that he's one million trillion times more attractive and cuddly when he doesn't smell like 7eleven. i never would have guessed i'd marry a smoker. well, he didn't smoke when i married him... then he did. gross. i never would have guessed i'd be a mother of two at 23 years old either.

i have to say that i am more relieved about my life since becoming a mom than i ever was. being pregnant with tate really put the fact that God is in control in capital letters. Jesus has called me to be a mom- and i love it.

but.

there are days when i sit back and say what happened? i'm not going to school, i can't support myself and my kids if something were to ever happen to josh, i don't really have a job, and right now my future is kindergarden and potty training yet another child. i think i've started the motherly battle all of us moms will fight the rest of our lives... if my mom is any example. i want to be in school- excerising my brain! i want to be working and contributing to my household... but that means my kids miss out on their mom and thats not fair.

when i talk to my friends who are in school or who have graduated or are graduating... or i just see a picture of someone in my class graduating college i feel so small. and i get this feeling in my stomache, like i feel sick with guilt or jealousy. my whole life i dreamed of graduating college and then i dreamed of my wedding. i dreamt of being this woman with a career and brains... brains for miles... brains coming out my ears! and then...

i hear God.

and he says "your children are a gift", "i'm in control", "its my plan", "take care of my children", "continue to listen to me", "love and respect your husband" and then i exhale and remember that my life is full of God, and love, and my very own warm household, and my very own little family, and hugs from little hands, and slobber kisses, and my josh who loves me and protects me.

college will come in God's time. but for now i have important business; bedtime stories, potty training and the like.

for your viewing pleasure

and my boys.

its my life.

Thanks God :o)